Smoking

When i was a kid, i asked my uncle why he smoked. He said because he couldn't stop. Some 5 years later, i asked him again. He told me to shut up and not ask silly questions. So i concluded that he didn't really know why. Maybe noone really knew why. They called it addiction. But that wasn't enough. That was what my uncle had said in the first place.
Ayn Rand, in her brilliant book 'Atlas Shrugged' explained the act of smoking as one of conquest. 'Man holding fire in his fingertips', were the words she used. But then, like her characters, her philosophies dont satisfy everyone.
It wasn't until recently that i was able to look at the issue from any other perspective. Till then, the mindset and decisions adopted in childhood ensured that i always looked upon smoking (and smokers) with judgmental eyes. I remained convinced that it was an act of weakness, combined with a wish to be a part of a larger group. The obvious medical hazards aside, just the thought of doing anything just because everybody else was doing it, was repulsive to me.
Last year, during my OBGY postings, i was posted in St. George Hospital, CST. While all my friends and other batch mates were posted in JJ Hospital. And although there was very little work for me to do as an intern, i was required to spend nights there as part of my shifts. And i understood the true meaning of solitude. When you know no one, and have nothing to distract you. I used to spend a lot of time on the terrace adjoining my ward, overlooking the dockyard, dimly lit up at night. And it hit me; that smoking a cigarette might be a way of telling yourself that your mind and body will always have each other for company. That you're never really alone, and that its all okay. Whether its boredom, or exam panic. Stay calm. The simple repetitive act of lighting up, and breathing in deeply..
I have never smoked in my life. And i never plan to. Nor will i appreciate it in my friends. But i think i get it.