I've been meaning to write this post since a week, but somehow couldn't manage to bring myself to do it. One reason might have been that I just needed a break from thinking, and felt like this time I deserved one. The other, more probable, reason was, I think, that I simply needed more time to understand what just happened.
In a nutshell, I got 18th rank in my state Post-graduation entrance exam, and suffice it to say that I was as surprised as the rest of them. And just as Dhrumin once famously commented on V2's birthday video,"Does she deserve this?", I too felt like asking myself questions along similar lines. And the answer in my head was a confusing,"Err.. apparently". I felt like, for the past one year, I've been running an endless marathon, with an irritating voice in my head, constantly going,"Are we there yet?.. are we there yet?..", and just as I was about to angrily explain how it's not going to be over anytime soon, suddenly it was!
The truth is, it's been a tough year, mainly because of how different it was from the preceding ones. I may not have realized it while it was happening, but now looking back, I see it. My priorities had changed radically (some of which I used to previously consider as untouchable), while some others remained intact (thus setting their benchmark). Sleep felt a lot less important throughout the year, whereas somehow, football became even more important, as if it was the one aspect in life that was unaffected by exam schedules and Thameem sir's latest batch of corrections! I'm not generally prone to depressing thoughts, but even so, I went through this phase of intense regret, wishing I had done things right or at least differently through my five years of MBBS. There were phases when I was happy with my studies, when I thought I was on track, and these were invariably followed by horrible phases where every test I gave forced me to rethink and accept that I was wrong. Finally, when I went for my exams, even though I had a lot more facts in my head than last year, I was ironically feeling a lot less confident. Because this time, I knew, with full panic, how much I didn't know. And it was a bit like being in the 'Total Perspective Vortex' from Hitch-hiker's guide. I honestly didn't care if knowledge was golden, because ignorance seemed like bliss.
The exam itself remains a blur. Mostly comfortable, yet not really. One question I knew I messed up, even before I was done marking the damn thing. Two more, I saw later, during the exam itself. By the time I reached home, I had already counted 15 to 20 definite should-have-avoided mistakes, and 20 more probable ones. And that, in my head, was that. In an exam where one mark spells the difference between the seat of your choice and no seat at all, so many mistakes, I was convinced, meant the end of that particular story. The fact that I turned out to be wrong in my judgement, is, to me, proof of how uncertain the process really is.
It is in my nature to try and understand the reason things happen as they do, and how we could have changed the sequence of events. Avin always tells me that I over-think everything, particularly small things like SMS replies and choice of words. Whatever... the fact is that I did try to reason this out.. and obviously failed. Because ultimately, there is no real pattern to a lottery win, however hard you try to find one. Of course, it goes without saying that only deserving students get ranks, just like only people who buy tickets win; but when you add that not all those who buy them will win, and not all those who deserve it will get there, you realize how unfair it is. I know people who deserved this break, but didn't get it; and while I am certain that their miracle day is waiting for them around the corner, here and now, it remains unfair.
But what really bugs me even more is that inspite of knowing fully well how fickle and uncertain the whole thing is, yet somehow, we are manoeuvred into a situation where our entire life's happiness depends upon it. As if, while in reality there maybe a hundred brilliant choices, yet we are shown only five, and made to fight amongst ourselves for those. And for this, I squarely blame the system. I had previously made my views on those who set our exams very clear, but I now realize that I was merely ranting at the messenger. When the road itself is flawed, and our law-makers themselves are narrow minded, then what hope do we have of avoiding the inevitable bottle-necks? It cannot even be compared to a selective filtering process, because of the gaping loopholes everywhere, being exploited by everyone except those who believe in succeeding on merit.
A word on reservation.. It was initially started more than 6 decades ago, to improve the conditions of the financially challenged sections of our society, with the intention of gradually decreasing it as our progress continued. Now, far from improving, our society has apparently degraded into the gutters, as evidenced by the rise in reservation seen over the last few years. If so, then I wish they'd do the job properly. Are 6 of the 11 Indian Cricket team players from backward classes? If not, then why the hell not? Surely, talent can't have anything to do with it? For me, while I support reservation in principle, one thumb rule must be that if you can afford to pay 1 crore of black money to get a paid seat, you probably don't deserve reservation. While if you can't afford to buy your textbooks, then you definitely do. Irrespective of caste and religion. (this might sound basic, but it's unbelievable how many times this thumb rule is breached).
Unfortunately, we live and learn in the world we're given. So if you can't or don't want to leave or try to change it, then you must either get through it or get around it. Either way, give it your best, and pray a little bit; apparently it works.
One last thing, and on a lighter note. When the year started, I had asked a few people (Mangesh, Ali, Swapi) what to study etc. And they told me to just study the routine things and not worry. Moral of the story - When asked for advice, keep it vague. You can't go wrong! :) (although when pressed, they did tell me to do subjects and volumes.. if that helps)
Well, that's about it, I guess. Ciao. And remember to keep the faith.
In a nutshell, I got 18th rank in my state Post-graduation entrance exam, and suffice it to say that I was as surprised as the rest of them. And just as Dhrumin once famously commented on V2's birthday video,"Does she deserve this?", I too felt like asking myself questions along similar lines. And the answer in my head was a confusing,"Err.. apparently". I felt like, for the past one year, I've been running an endless marathon, with an irritating voice in my head, constantly going,"Are we there yet?.. are we there yet?..", and just as I was about to angrily explain how it's not going to be over anytime soon, suddenly it was!
The truth is, it's been a tough year, mainly because of how different it was from the preceding ones. I may not have realized it while it was happening, but now looking back, I see it. My priorities had changed radically (some of which I used to previously consider as untouchable), while some others remained intact (thus setting their benchmark). Sleep felt a lot less important throughout the year, whereas somehow, football became even more important, as if it was the one aspect in life that was unaffected by exam schedules and Thameem sir's latest batch of corrections! I'm not generally prone to depressing thoughts, but even so, I went through this phase of intense regret, wishing I had done things right or at least differently through my five years of MBBS. There were phases when I was happy with my studies, when I thought I was on track, and these were invariably followed by horrible phases where every test I gave forced me to rethink and accept that I was wrong. Finally, when I went for my exams, even though I had a lot more facts in my head than last year, I was ironically feeling a lot less confident. Because this time, I knew, with full panic, how much I didn't know. And it was a bit like being in the 'Total Perspective Vortex' from Hitch-hiker's guide. I honestly didn't care if knowledge was golden, because ignorance seemed like bliss.
The exam itself remains a blur. Mostly comfortable, yet not really. One question I knew I messed up, even before I was done marking the damn thing. Two more, I saw later, during the exam itself. By the time I reached home, I had already counted 15 to 20 definite should-have-avoided mistakes, and 20 more probable ones. And that, in my head, was that. In an exam where one mark spells the difference between the seat of your choice and no seat at all, so many mistakes, I was convinced, meant the end of that particular story. The fact that I turned out to be wrong in my judgement, is, to me, proof of how uncertain the process really is.
It is in my nature to try and understand the reason things happen as they do, and how we could have changed the sequence of events. Avin always tells me that I over-think everything, particularly small things like SMS replies and choice of words. Whatever... the fact is that I did try to reason this out.. and obviously failed. Because ultimately, there is no real pattern to a lottery win, however hard you try to find one. Of course, it goes without saying that only deserving students get ranks, just like only people who buy tickets win; but when you add that not all those who buy them will win, and not all those who deserve it will get there, you realize how unfair it is. I know people who deserved this break, but didn't get it; and while I am certain that their miracle day is waiting for them around the corner, here and now, it remains unfair.
But what really bugs me even more is that inspite of knowing fully well how fickle and uncertain the whole thing is, yet somehow, we are manoeuvred into a situation where our entire life's happiness depends upon it. As if, while in reality there maybe a hundred brilliant choices, yet we are shown only five, and made to fight amongst ourselves for those. And for this, I squarely blame the system. I had previously made my views on those who set our exams very clear, but I now realize that I was merely ranting at the messenger. When the road itself is flawed, and our law-makers themselves are narrow minded, then what hope do we have of avoiding the inevitable bottle-necks? It cannot even be compared to a selective filtering process, because of the gaping loopholes everywhere, being exploited by everyone except those who believe in succeeding on merit.
A word on reservation.. It was initially started more than 6 decades ago, to improve the conditions of the financially challenged sections of our society, with the intention of gradually decreasing it as our progress continued. Now, far from improving, our society has apparently degraded into the gutters, as evidenced by the rise in reservation seen over the last few years. If so, then I wish they'd do the job properly. Are 6 of the 11 Indian Cricket team players from backward classes? If not, then why the hell not? Surely, talent can't have anything to do with it? For me, while I support reservation in principle, one thumb rule must be that if you can afford to pay 1 crore of black money to get a paid seat, you probably don't deserve reservation. While if you can't afford to buy your textbooks, then you definitely do. Irrespective of caste and religion. (this might sound basic, but it's unbelievable how many times this thumb rule is breached).
Unfortunately, we live and learn in the world we're given. So if you can't or don't want to leave or try to change it, then you must either get through it or get around it. Either way, give it your best, and pray a little bit; apparently it works.
One last thing, and on a lighter note. When the year started, I had asked a few people (Mangesh, Ali, Swapi) what to study etc. And they told me to just study the routine things and not worry. Moral of the story - When asked for advice, keep it vague. You can't go wrong! :) (although when pressed, they did tell me to do subjects and volumes.. if that helps)
Well, that's about it, I guess. Ciao. And remember to keep the faith.
1 comment:
very true frend...and u truly deserved it!!!
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