The Stages Of A Relationship

(This post was written on the night before my wedding day)

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. Blame it on an inability to leave well alone.

So what strikes me foremost is this.  How can it be that an emotion so cliché that no one can talk about it without the audience rolling their eyes, can yet be so little understood? It is not just that Love doesn't have a definition. It is that the emotion itself seems to change so much over the course of time, that a static definition feels impossible. And yet, everyone in the world has felt it, and if that wasn't enough, we have all made life-changing decisions based on an emotion we can't define, that we know keeps changing, and that we have no control over.

Isn't that a scary thought?

Of course, this could all be just wedding jitters. Apparently, it happens to the best of us.

While on the topic, I find it fascinating, how most people who have been in a relationship, somewhere believe their situation to be unique. And yet, the truth is that everyone goes through the same set of circumstances, in an almost predictably similar sequence. Perhaps, the only 'uniqueness' in the whole scenario lies in the way a certain couple would approach the situation, but not in the situation itself.

So on that note, here's my quick list of what to expect once you've begun a new relationship. Fair warning, Spoiler alert!

Stage 1: Attraction - the initial phase

We all have a mental check-list of what we find attractive, which is formed over a period of time. This includes both physical and non-physical attributes. In general, the physical attributes considered 'attractive' is largely a result of social norms, whether it be fairness, height, physique or looks.

The non-physical attributes is a result of a mixture of social norms and personal taste, like dressing sense, personality, intelligence, sense of humour, economic status, etc.

It is possible to tentatively divide the attraction into an initial and a later phase. 

The Initial phase consists almost entirely of ticking off the checklist. So let's say, if I as a guy, meet a girl for the first time, the more items on my 'check-list' the girl ticks off, the more attractive she would seem to me, and vice-versa. During this initial meeting, it is more likely that the physical attributes of a person would form the predominant 'first impression', so consequently it is these that get ticked off first. This is quickly followed by the more apparent of the non-physical ones. 

Stage 2: Justification

This is an interesting one. Once I am attracted to someone, I find myself making a case for  how this person that I'm attracted to is so different from everyone else. Which, in turn, makes my feelings to the person unique. Also seemingly unique would be the circumstances under which the two of us meet, making our relationship, a 'one-of-a kind' thing. This is understandable, because nobody wants to see their romance as simply ticking off on a list. There's nothing romantic about shopping at big bazaar.   

The stage of Justification then extends further, to include all the positive changes the relationship brings into one's life. Every moment of happiness, or laughter, or excitement, is viable proof that this relationship is indeed a good decision, and not merely a flight of fancy or whim.

Stage 3:  Conflict

This is the one with the catch. The important thing to understand here is that, up till this point in the relationship, only the points in favour of the union have played a role. In other words, only the check-list's items that were ticked off have mattered, and the rest have been ignored.  For instance, if 'Music' were an item on my list, and the girl I'm attracted to does not tick off that category (which means she either doesn't like my kind of music, or she dislikes music in general), it would not matter to me during the Initial Attraction or the Justification phase. 

But eventually, it would matter. Because the fact is, in a relationship,  eventually everything matters. And that sets the stage for Conflict. 

Imagine human beings as jigsaw puzzles that have been put half-put together in a rush (partly by society and partly by themselves); with a lot of loops, depressions and edges sticking out. It makes sense to me, why I would have walls around me; because as long as my real edges don't find a place to fit into in society (i.e my environment), I need to create superficial pretend ones that  do. These walls consist of all the carefully designed responses and the defence mechanisms that we have fashioned for ourselves to help us better deal with society. 

As two people get closer and closer together, slowly the walls that they have built around themselves individually get broken down; and the jagged edges (i.e who they truly are) become exposed. And this is potentially painful, simply because they're not used it. And therein begins the Conflict phase, characterised by a series of arguments and fights, accompanied by doubts on whether the relationship is the best thing for them, or won't they be better off alone? This is nothing but a reaction; a desperate need to get back into the relative safety of the superficial walls.  

Most break-ups happen during this phase.

The Conflict phase can last anywhere from a few months to years, depending on how close the two people get. The phase often coincides or alternates with the next phase, which is the phase of Growth.

Stage 4: Growth

This is my favourite part. Like we discussed previously,  every time we come in contact with society in any form, there is some element of friction; and our usual response is building walls. In a relationship however, walls eventually become impossible to maintain, and so we are 'forced' to respond differently, by doing something far more productive than building walls - we are forced to evolve.

Comfort zones are at once, the best friends and greatest enemies of progress, because while the struggle to achieve comfort is what sparks progress, once achieved, nothing stops further growth more thoroughly than a comfort zone (and the fear of leaving it). Relationships (at least the good ones) force us to leave our comfort zones, to see the world from a (relatively) strange perspective, and to make space for someone else's thoughts and ideas in our heads. This is growth; and growth is always painful.

I repeat. GROWTH IS ALWAYS PAINFUL.

Important note: Stage 3 and Stage 4 tend to go on for a while, often on a loop, sometimes intermingling with stage 5.

Stage 5: Attraction - the Later stage

When two people are evolving together, as tends to happen in a relationship, there is bound to be a lot of 'discovery- moments'; both for self and the other. And there is a certain joy in discovering something new about another person, that no one has known before, not even the person himself / herself. And if you are both evolving concurrently, chances are that many (though not all) of your discovery- moments will be mutually compatible, and inter-related. You find yourself attracted all over again, to someone you've known for a while now, and yet has so much more to him / her than you'd previously thought.

Stage 6: Harmony

Here, I must confess, I'm being optimistic. The way I see it, there will come a time in a relationship when the level of understanding between two people encompasses all the other stages, and their thoughts will move in sync with each other, like two dancers in rhythm.

I haven't reached this stage; I'm still prone, at times, to get stuck in disagreements; and tend to get caught up too often in the whole Conflict - Growth - Conflict loop. But call me a romantic, for some reason, I find comforting, even the idea of a possible future where Harmony can exist.


Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure there are lots of points I may have missed out on, blame it on the wedding stress. Also, if there's anything on the topic you feel like sharing, I am interested in hearing about it.
So cheers! Take care!  And have fun in your relationship, because wherever you are, remember it's just a phase.

See you after I'm married.