Witch Doctor? - A History Of Medicine In Briefs

There used to be a time, rumor has it, when mankind was faced with certain disaster. The details are not important, because clearly, the rumor was wrong; we're still here.

Historians love to tell us about all the ups and downs that the human race has faced, the seemingly impossible challenges that we overcame in our quest for survival on this planet. And I'm sure we would all be better off with that knowledge, but I wouldn't know, having never bothered to pay much attention to historians. What I did pay attention to, however, was the history of Medicine, and how it evolved to be the great science it is today.

It all started in the 16th century BC, in Ancient(obviously) Egypt, when somebody's mom died, and he, using cutting edge technology, dipped her in balm, wrapped her in cloth and kept her in a box, fondly imagining that his Mummy will come back someday. Of course, later on he would change his mind, bury the box, his mummy and all her possessions, and for good measure, place giant pyramids on top just to ensure that she doesn't.

But this did get the rest of the world thinking, and soon, sure enough, there was a Made-In-India version of Medicine. Intially, when the Ayurveda was released, it created a lot of controversy, due to its radical style and bold theories. Then the publishers, probably just to create a minor distraction, released a cheap novel called Kamasutra.. For the next 2000 years, no one bothered to read anything else, and Kamasutra went on to become history's greatest best-seller. (Legend has it that the first edition of this book had on its cover, in large friendly letters, the words DON'T PANIC)

Yet, it wasn't until a Big Fat Greek died inspite of all attempts to save him, including praying to Zeus, that people started questioning the old ways, and called the Healer a hypocrite. "The name's Hippocrates", said the healer, and after compiling a list of all the horrible things that could happen to mankind, started to swear at everyone.. A tradition we honour even today, in a slightly edited form, as the Hippocratic Oath.

It was the birth of Allopathy.. and a difficult birth it was too. An Obstetrician, if one was present, would have shaken his head, recognized a lost cause, and gone for a craniotomy. Fortunately, the only doctors around at that time were Ayurvedic and Homeopathic ones, and while they were trying to figure out which plants to crush with which metals so as to induce a painless hygienic delivery, our baby reached out, probably grabbed a scalpel, did a messy episiotomy, and crawled off to Europe and North America, leaving his oriental colleagues wondering what just happened and how did he do that. Decades later, they'd still be wondering that.

Little did Hippocrates know, perhaps at the time being too busy being the unlucky father of as problematic a child as Western Medicine, that the clinical methods and observations laid down by him, would be followed diligently and blindly by generations and generations of young aspiring doctors, like me, who would, even today, bear any hardship, and mug up any amount of crap, just to get their hands on that bloody degree.

But that day does arrive, when after everything, we receive the honour of joining one of the most respected professions.
Finally! We haves it.. Our precious! Our MBBS Doctor's Degree..! Yes precious..mine!
We takes it and shows it to everyone. We applies for jobsss.. We finds out that it's worthless.. We needs to get another degree..!! And then another!...

History winds up, and the present takes over. Medicine is no longer in its infancy, far from it. Like the mythological Hydra, it has spawned many heads, and multiple tails and branches. Ask no more if there is a Doctor in the house, rather specify whether the one you seek is a physician, or a surgeon, or a dermatologist. For each branch is unique, and therefore must be separately approached. And every branch has numerous twigs, on each of which are perched members of the once-rare (now agonizingly commonplace) breed of 'Super-specialists'. These are doctors who have excelled highly in their particular field, such that a patient with a broken middle finger can fully expect to be turned away by the 'expert' who only operates on the index.

And as an example of symbiosis, not only has medicine promoted the growth of doctors; but as doctors and specialties have increased in number, so also have illnesses. One of the many ironies of life is how the number of things you could die from used to be a lot less in the days when doctors were limited. Today, nobody dies from simple old age; it has to be either renal failure, or a liver shut-down, or something even worse. Oh you wish it was just old age!
No, that's not just a headache, that's a migraine. And that's a subarachnoid hemorrhage. And that's a brain tumor. We had better see a neurologist. Or wait, do we see a neurosurgeon?

Add to this, we now have all those old therapies of Ayurveda, Homeopathy, and even Unani (which is basically Captain Planet playing doctor) that's resurfacing in the unlikeliest of places with modern day versions of 'ancient medicine';
We have Yoga Gurus tying themselves in knots, claiming to have cured cancer and AIDS, and an army of followers bending over backwards in imitation;
We have acupuncture (that pins you to good health), cryotherapy (supposed to be really cool), sleep therapy (insomniacs probably not allowed), reflexology (walk on pebbles and change your life);
And of course, we have the jar of holy ashes that a Baba once gave...

It's not enough that you're going crazy, you've to be more specific. Psychotic? Depressed? Go see a psychiatrist. Demented? Delirious? Then you need a neurologist.
Today mankind grapples with the ultimate riddle - Which comes first? The doctor or the disease?